A subtle but definite paradigm shift.

The following may seem strange, given my past posted obsessions with teaching and learning, and my periodic fretting that I'm not doing anything right.

But over, perhaps, the last 12 months, I have noticed some changes in my teaching style, if one can call it a style. Perhaps "presence." I am, I will readily admit, a control freak in most areas of my life, but never more so than in the classroom. I'm kind of draconian, in fact. I want students to stay in their seats, do their work, and be an active part of the proceedings. How radical, right? But you'd be floored how many students have to really check themselves to simply be still for 30 minutes--let alone 105 minutes.

Anyway, I'm noticing a reduced tendency on my part to sugar-coat things. I am, gradually in bits and pieces, slowing down and letting the real me (whoever that is) emerge. I used to want to smooth things over, be the nice guy whom all the students loved, but that desire is disappearing. It's not that I'm trying to consciously be an SOB, but I feel myself (again, incrementally) caring less what students think of my style, content, or mannerisms, and I'm just plowing forth with what I believe is valuable material.

And, paradoxically or not, this allows me to feel more relaxed and confident, and more able to settle into the groove of a class. I'm putting more on the students and feeling less bad if no one responds or if they do half-assed work. In the last post, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned a few students who are torpedoing their chances of passing by simply not doing their work. One of these guys has turned it around as much as he will be able; he turned in an essay two classes late and got 20 points deducted, but he turned it in, and he even completed a little written response--not long enough, but he turned it in on time.

Another of these dudes, though, has only written one of three essays, and as mentioned previously, the one essay he wrote was in class--and it scored in the 80s! The other two essays? Both are zeros. He can "revise" either of those essays for a chance at having the impact of the zeros lessened--but it would take a minor miracle for him to pass at this point. The most curious thing is he keeps attending; he's only missed one class in ten weeks.

I could be all up in arms about how he's throwing away his chance (and in the last post, I probably was). Or I could, as I have been lately, take it all in with bemused distance. It's really kinda comical to see this guy bumble into class twice a week and not have a thing prepared and not contribute. He has said maybe ten words the whole semester. So he's wasting his time and his money, and that's his unfortunate concern.

This may not be a paradigm shift as much as a small adjustment. And regretfully, it is not yet a constant feeling, but it's happening more and more. And it's about freaking time, after 14 years in this profession.